I have been going through a really hard time lately.  I just found out that I have failed two classes this semester.  I still have one final to go and I have completely lost all motivation to study.  I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I do know that I won't be kicked out of school.  I will probably be repeating some classes next semester which puts me graduating a year later.  I really don't mind doing that, but it is just facing my parents in the situation.  I have already put them through enough grief.  They know about me failing one class, but I haven't told them about the other.  

There are people in my class this year that have repeated the class.  I know that if they can do it and not be embarrassed, then so can I.  My sister has been helpful in all of this and encouraging.  I don't know how I am going to live with my parents over break.  I almost don't want to go home.  I have been trying to evaluate where I really started to slide downhill this semester because I started off doing really well in my classes.

I can't focus on the test that I have in 12 hours.  If I do well, then I will end up with a B in the class, but I don't know that I can focus enough to do it.  

I have also been evaluating my life in general.  I need to change almost everything in my life.  I make all these promises- to my parents, to myself, to God, and then I never follow through.  I ask God to help change me, but when the adversity comes at me, I revert back to my old ways instantly.  I don't put my faith in God.  I need to clarify that.  In some instances I do, but I am selective.  I have a bad attitude about things- I want change, but I won't do anything about it.  I make up excuses, and then I start to really believe them.  I think it is so hard to change because I have been sitting in these ways for so long.  I pray to God and ask Him to help change me- I plead with Him, but I don't do what is required of me.  

This entry is pretty disconnected, but I have just been writing whatever I think.  I have so much more on my mind, but it would be a really long entry & I really do need to get back to studying.  I think I will read my Bible before I start studying again.  Maybe God will give me some peace.  

Pray for me please.  Pray that I do change.  Pray for me as I wait to see what will happen with my school career, and how I am going to tell my parents when I do find out.  Pray for me about Christmas and the seven hour drive home with my dad.  

I understand where my parents are coming from.  I know that they have my best interest and they want me to be able to have this career.  I want it, too.  I know that with the economy the way it is, that pharmacy is a great field.  And it also is great for my disease state- good insurance and all that.  It would just help if they weren't so overbearing and more understanding.  I don't think that they understand how much pressure it puts on me.  One of the things they threw in my face was the cost of pharmacy school.  It will be X amount more money for me to be behind another year.  They have been helping with the financial aspect a little, but I also have loans.  I know that it will be more money to pay back, but that is not their concern.  I might try to get another loan so they don't have to help at all.  They complain a lot & it makes me feel bad if I need to ask for any money.